Styles, Development, and the Influence of Our Own Stories
How we parent is shaped by our child’s developmental stage, our own upbringing, and a complex mix of biological and environmental factors. Many parents seek support not because they lack care or commitment, but because parenting can activate deep emotions and raise questions about what approach is “right.”
Research
Research on parenting styles offers a helpful starting point. Diana Baumrind’s framework describes four main styles: authoritative, authoritarian, permissive, and neglectful. Of these, the authoritative style, characterized by warmth, responsiveness, and clear boundaries, is most consistently associated with positive outcomes, including emotional regulation, academic success, and social competence. Importantly, this style balances empathy with structure, rather than control or over accommodation. Therapy can help parents reflect on their natural tendencies and adjust their approach in ways that feel authentic and sustainable.
Developmental stages
Understanding developmental stages is equally important. Children’s needs and capacities change dramatically as they grow. Infants and toddlers rely heavily on co-regulation, needing calm adults to help manage overwhelming emotions. In early and middle childhood, children begin developing independence but still require consistent guidance and reassurance. Adolescence and young adulthood bring neurological changes that affect impulse control, risk-taking, and emotional intensity. When parents are supported to align expectations with developmental realities, conflict often decreases and connection improves.
Influenced by our own stories
Parents’ own upbringing also plays a powerful role. Research shows that early attachment experiences can shape beliefs about emotions, discipline, and closeness. Many parents find themselves reacting automatically in moments of stress, sometimes parenting in ways they promised themselves they would avoid. Therapy offers space to explore these patterns with curiosity rather than judgement, helping parents decide which aspects of their upbringing they want to carry forward, and which they want to do differently.
From a biological perspective, both parents and children bring unique temperaments and nervous systems into the relationship. Some children are naturally more sensitive, reactive, or slow to adapt, while others are more easy going. Parental stress responses are also biologically driven, influenced by sleep, hormones, and chronic pressure. Recognizing these factors can reduce blame, and shift the focus from, “what’s wrong?”, to “what’s needed here?”
Conclusion
Finally, environmental factors such as, social support, cultural expectations, financial stress, and work demands, strongly influence parenting capacity. Research consistently shows that when parents feel supported and resourced, parenting outcomes improve. Therapy can act as part of that supportive environment, offering reflection, practical strategies, and emotional containment.
Parenting is not about following a single model or getting everything right. It is about understanding context, your child’s development, your own history, and the systems around you. With support, parents can respond more intentionally, parent with greater confidence, and build relationships that grow and adapt over time.